Legacy of Kain: 36 OAP Home Terror
by Corpse-Prodder
Summary: Straight from the Eidos forums, a MAJOR Co-authored fic by Soul Reaver, Apocrypha Roxy, Koolkat, Evelin the Winged and Quicksilver.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** LoK is copyright Eidos and Crystal Dynamics**

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**Chapter 1**

**Written by- Evelin The Winged**

**Writer's Comment:**

**Kain is supposed to be speaking Latin, but I don't know Latin so I snatched up a German dictionary and put in rusty sentences as a little 'stunt double' . And also, I know this chapter is short…**

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Raziel: George? You there George?! *crickets* GEORGE! I'm hungry!

George the Sluagh: Yeah yeah, you old coot. *puts a straw into the OLD Wraith's cowl and Raziel start's sucking away* …I should have been a farmer like my father wanted me…

Kain: *snort* Katze auf mein feucht hose. *snort* *snort*

Raziel: Huh? *snooooore*

Moebius: *wets his old wooden walking stick and whacks Raziel* Wake up you old sardine!

Raziel: OW! *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ* *whack* OW! Where was I? Oh yeah! *pinches Moebius*

Moebius: Ow, that hurt! *cries like a baby*

Kain: Weihrauch. *snort*

Raziel: EW! *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough*

Kain: Nackt.

Raziel: You've been watching too much porn!

Moebius: You should stop staring at Raziel.

Raziel: Look, I'm wearing the same thing your wearing-the crap they give us in this stupid home!

Moebius: But back when we were young-ins you just wrapped a piece of cloth around your head and went off running around Nosgoth without pants!

Raziel: Hey, nobody was nice enough to give me any! *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ* *whack* OW!

Moebius: Will you stay awake for once?! Anyway,-

Raziel: Well at least I didn't go streaking in college!

Moebius: Hey! I was young back then!...How did you find out about that?

Raziel: My physical strength may currently be at an all time low, but I have brain power!

Moebius: Huh?

Raziel: Huh?

Moebius: SO?!

Raziel: Oh yeah! I can read your mind. *look's at the clock* Look! Bedtime! * turn's around in his wraith wheel chari ( has rocket's at the end) and zooms out of the room*

George: Hey! Did you forget about me?! *George frowned, shook his head and went to attend to some other old guy who's having trouble going to his room* Thank you for not forgetting about me.

_Pan to Umah's Room. (everybody is supposed to be asleep)_

Umah: Get out of my room Kain! *throw's him out*

Kain: Ich gesucht an Kerbe!

Umah: PERVERT!  *slam's the door shut*

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So here are the 'translations' for these terrible sentences (I have a feeling that even German speakers won't know what the hell Kain is saying because I haven't had a German class in my life…):

((Katze auf mein feucht hose.)) Is supposed to mean (at least I think) 'Cat in my moist pants.'

((Ich gesucht an Kerbe!)) He said he wanted to score…0_o


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2   
Written by - KoolKat   
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..................   
.......   
  
It is excursion day at the OAP home to a nice soul fountain.   
The sound of playing and eating Sluagh can be heard echoeing through the eerie silence.   
  
Moebius: Will somebody shut those kids up?   
Kain: Leave them be, old fool!   
Moebius: *waves staff* Clear off you little ruffians!   
  
*Sluagh children laugh and wave plastic wraith blades at him*   
  
Raziel: *Snorts and wakes up* What's all the noise?   
Moebius: Those damn kids won't shut their traps, dagnabbit.   
Raziel: What is that plastic rubbish you have there? Why when I was a lad, I used a _real_ wraithblade.   
Young Sluagh: When you were young, people lived in the trees.   
Raziel: Why you impudent young scoundrel! Behold the power of the **Soul Reaver**!!!   
  
*Calls forth the battered, worn wraith blade that does not seem to want to fight*   
  
Raziel: *cough* *cough* See how you all cower in terror before me.   
  
*Staggers forward, coughs some more and waves the blade feebly - the Sluagh run away laughing.*   
  
Raziel: *cackles evilly* That's how you deal with young ruffians.   
Umah: They weren't running in fear, you crackpot old fool. They were laughing.   
  
*Raziel looks down sadly, knowing all too well his prime days are up and a single blue tear streams from one golden eye. Deciding that to regain his pride, he must escape, he speeds off. Several sluagh nurses follow. Approaching the gate, he looks back momentarilly, gives a knowing, satisfied smile, zooms up a ramp and over the gate. Landing on the other side, the wheelchair regains speed. Behind, the sound of Sluagh police can be heard persuing.*   
  
Raziel (thinking): _Must speed this thing up somehow... but how? Ah-hah!_   
  
*Opens his wings and catches the strong wind coming from behind. The wheelchair speeds up slowly to 60 mph and eventually to 90mph.*   
  
Raziel: *old man cackle* heheheheheheheheheh...*cough cough*... uh-oh!   
  
*Raziel shoves down his clawed feet and the wheel chair skids to a halt at a sluagh police blockade*   
  
PC Steve (through microphone): Step away from the wheelchair!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Written by Soul Reaver   
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Raziel *grinning*: You sluagh cannot stop *cough* me...   
  
*Raziel summons the Reaver Blade now ready to strike mercilessly*   
  
Raziel: I used this *cough* baby, millenias ago to defeat the cave-sluagh...*ZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZ*... huh? Oh yeah... : And I can use it to defeat you!   
  
Sluagh cop (joking): Oh no it's the Reaver!!! We have to hide!! Please, don't use it on me! Come along just fine now... and we can take you back, safe and sound.   
  
*But our hero and his wraithblade aren't too old yet*   
  
Raziel: I know that in my days we didn't have the soul-guns and plastic reavers. But still - the Reaver should be feared.   
  
*Swings the Reaver at the sluagh cop eraticating it instantly*   
  
Raziel: *snore* so you want some more? *snore*   
  
PC Steve: Alright, grandpa, fun-time is over. Take him down boys...   
  
*The sluagh SWAT approaches Raziel carefully*   
  
Raziel (thinking): So. How can I elude their grasp?   
  
*Raziel looks around and notices a ledge, just a few meters from the sluagh-highway, going up to the mountains*   
  
Raziel: Here goes *cough* nothing!   
  
*With a howling screech our hero and his wheelchair slam into the air and land on the other side*   
  
*The sluagh scream out their terrifying swears, but there's nothing that they can do*   
  
Raziel *laughing*: HA! *snore* Seeya suckers!   
  
At the same time in the OAP house...   
  
Moebius: Let go of my staff!!   
  
Kain: NO! Your staff has done too much ill... Disabling vampiric powers is one thing but scearing the sluagh children...   
  
Moebius *desperate*: But... but they deserved it! You would have done the same thing.   
  
Kain: You wish!   
  
*Kain pulls the staff out of Moebiuse's hands and starts to break it*   
  
Moebius: Please, I beg you...   
  
*Crack*   
  
Kain: Oops... I think your toy just broke...   
  
*Moebius falls from his wheelchair and starts crying*   
  
Kain *grinning*: Vae Victus...   
  
Moebius *through tears*: You'll pay for this! The Wheel of Fate shall turn against you, I've seen it!   
  
Kain: Oh... PLEASE! Don't make me laugh. We settled it with the Squid centuries ago... now he doesn't want to speak to us and his sealed in the chamber below the dining-hall.   
  
*Kain leaves, falling asleep shortly after he reaches his compartment*   
  
Moebius: You nearly had it my rampaging vampire... *pulls out the staff from behind and looks it lovingly, remembers that he is supposed to remember that he will fall asleep soon and calls a sluagh to take him to the Oracle Rooms*


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Written by Quicksilver   
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(Back at the OAP home…)   
  
In the common room; everyone is sitting absorbed before the telly, with or without respective comfort blankets, bibs, incontinence nappies, etc. etc.   
  
Telly game show host: So, the killer question once more; 'MDF is the famous favourite of which popular interior decorating guru?' A – Carol Smilie, B – Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen, C – Handy Andy, D – Barney the dinosaur?   
Elderly vamp hunter: Carol!   
Moebius: Barney!   
Kain: Lewellyn-Bowen, you old fools! Poncy b*stard ruined the Sanctuary of the Clans, remember?   
Moebius: Really? (scratches his head) The memory, you know…s'a funny thing…(mumbles incoherently for a while) Whatever happened to him, anyway? Since 'Changing Rooms' finished?   
Severely palsied fire demon: Dead.   
Elderly vamp hunter: How?   
Kain: I killed 'im.   
  
Change shot to slimy, dank, oozy cavern below the canteen. Discontented muttering can be heard, along with the occasional splash   
Elder God: (hissing) They TOOK it from usss, didn't they, my precious, they STEALS it from usss…..but we'll pay them back, won't we? Yeesss, we'll hits 'em where it hurts 'em MOST, my preciousss….   
A tentacle reaches upwards towards the messy bundle of electrical cables overhead   
Elder God: We'll teach 'em not to take our precious angel of death, won't we, my lovely? They should find their OWN, yes they should…CHEATS uss…INSULTS usssss...   
Tentacle wraps around one of the cables   
Elder God: (still muttering darkly) Let us see how they doesss without they're precious microwave, my darling…no more 'easy-to-digest' ready-made mealses for THEM…   
Tentacle yanks hard on the cable –   
  
- back in the telly lounge. All the lights go off, Chris Tarrant zaps from sight, causing fear and confusion amongst the populace   
The OAPs: What is it?! What's happening?!!   
Sluagh attendant: Oh no, not that...please God, no…   
Sluagh attendant 2: Bl**dy calamari again.


End file.
